Monday, October 4, 2010


I babysit. A lot. I love all the families for whom I babysit. Especially the Spater family - they have the most incredible kids. But I often think to myself that I don't want that kind of life. Not yet. I can't imagine having kids, staying at home, and being a wife.

Then I ask myself what is wrong with me? Did God seriously mess me up? I see all these happy women who are stay-at-home moms on-campus, or in the grocery store, or at Starbucks. I love kids. I am the first to gawk at the cuteness of little Johnny that screams and yells and runs through Starbucks as everyone else thinks "where the heck are that creatures's parents?" But I'm not ready to go there yet.

To make me feel even more abnormal, I read all these cheesy Christian books which try to tell me that all i want is for someone to come rescue me, and lead me, and provide for me and my role is to support them in everything they do. I should happily do the laundry, be the homemaker while they go and do the manly work! And I think to myself, "Wait, what? Do women really feel like this?! Did I miss something? Why do I feel guilty that I am even disagreeing?!"

The three women that are my heroes are all, surprisingly for my readers, stay-at-home Moms. Two of them blog and I love their stories. I admire their courage, patience, wisdom, grace, not to mention their humor. Oh my word, sometimes I choke after laughing so hard at their inner-dialogue posts that are finally typed for the world to read. They are geniuses. They represent every character trait that I can only hope to embody someday. But I'm just not ready.

A lot of my friends, if not most of them, are either engaged or married. I'd be telling a bold faced lie if I said that I want to be single forever. But honestly, I still feel like I'm a high-school graduate. I can't believe I'm already 26. I still feel 18.

The desire to pursue a PhD makes the above struggle even more difficult. There are few men in my field. I found out there are ZERO women in the doctoral program I want to go to in Scotland. All of the men in the program, from what I can tell, are married. And when people find out you are a 26 year-old Christian female wanting to get a doctorate, they make assumptions about you. Is she a feminist? Can she just not find a husband? Will she ever find her true calling and have kids? But the truth is, I'm just a human being that loves theology and has become deeply fascinated with Karl Barth. It is that simple. Why must I have an agenda? Why must I be married? Why must I get the hidden looks of suspicion? Why must I even think about this?

So as I write my applications for doctoral programs and read my Barth books, I'll be happily babysitting every Friday or Saturday night just thankful I'm still only 26 and single.

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