In my last post, I tried to give practical advice about all the elements involved in being a distance PhD student in a European PhD program. One thing I did not get into much detail about was my particular reasons for pursuing the part-time distance degree at the University of Aberdeen. So I thought it might be helpful to write a bit more about that here in case anyone finds it useful for their own process.
In 2013, I graduated from Princeton Theological Seminary with my M.Div degree. My intention was to pursue doctoral studies, but I wanted to take a year off. I had been a student with only a one year break since I was in pre-school, and I was 28 by this point. I needed time to recover from five years of graduate studies before pursuing PhD studies.
Right after graduation in July 2013, I was given the life-changing opportunity to serve as the Curator of the Barth collection for the Center for Barth Studies at Princeton Theological Seminary. The idea was that I would be the interim Curator for one year while they found someone more permanent for the position. And this arrangement would allow me to pursue PhD studies after I was finished with my one year appointment.
Some time in the fall of 2013, around October, my supervisor Dr. Bruce McCormack, asked me if I would consider staying longer at the Center for Barth Studies for various reasons. I was intimately familiar with the research collection, and they needed someone with knowledge of the collection to oversee its transition back to the Center for Barth Studies after the library renovation (this was before the new Wright library was officially complete). I was humbled by this request, but I did not know how I would accept the offer and still pursue my PhD studies.
The distance PhD program solved a lot of these problems. I could pursue the degree part-time, which would mean the tuition amount would be substantially less. I would not need to live in Aberdeen, so I could retain my full-time job at the Center for Barth Studies (most PhD programs in the US do not allow you to have a full-time job while you are a full-time student and receive a stipend). And I would be given the opportunity to study with a scholar who was a perfect fit for my particular research interests.
What I didn't quite realize when I signed up for this arrangement is just how difficult it would be to reach the finish line. In many ways, I had the best possible circumstances for a part-time distance PhD student. I had access to one of the largest theological libraries in the world. I was regularly in conversation with theologians and those working directly in my field of study given my job. I was immersed in the life of a theological seminary, which benefitted me greatly.
But it was still really difficult. I receive many emails from potential students asking me about the distance program, and I don't want to deter them from pursuing a distance degree, but I do not think we are honest enough about how difficult it is to work remotely alone as a student for 3-6 years. Unlike a traditional on-campus PhD program, you do not have a designated carrel or office where you can go to study every day with your colleagues or cohort. You won't be able to attend lectures in-person and engage in the get togethers with other students afterwards. You won't be able to meet with your advisor face to face on a regular basis. You will meet with your advisor on Zoom regularly, but nothing can replace face to face interaction with your advisor (in my opinion). I say all of this as a serious introvert. I love my alone time, and I like to do things by myself. But you can't finish a PhD program alone. You need support, you need the energy and feedback of your colleagues, and that can be difficult to find when you are working remotely in your program across the ocean from your school.
If you work full-time like I did, your job always comes first. And my job has been demanding, especially as my staff decreased over the years. I always felt like I was stealing time away from some other part of my life to write. You will need to wake up at ungodly early hours in the morning. You will need to write every weekend at some point. You will need to cancel social plans to write. You will need to write and work on Friday nights. You will need to spend your lunch breaks working. It is a constant weight to carry and balance, and it is difficult. You will most likely feel guilty constantly for taking any time off. Most of my vacation for seven years was spent on my dissertation. It will wear you down. Someone needs to tell you that this model is uniquely challenging, despite whatever advantages it might afford you. If you are lucky enough to work part-time or not at all, more power to you.
Some other things I was not prepared for is just how much I would change theologically over the course of my studies. It can be very exciting to learn new ideas and realize you are changing directions, but it can also be unnerving and scary. You will be a different person when you finish your program than when you start with different ideas about yourself, God, and the world.
I also could not have prepared myself for everything that would unfold in my life in the seven years of my program. No one gives you a manual about how to process yet another mass shooting, another natural disaster, another black individual murdered by the police that leads to massive social unrest, or the unfolding of a pandemic that claims millions of lives all while trying to find space to reflect and write. We are living in traumatic times, and you have to figure out what care for your mental, emotional, and spiritual health looks like while you are a PhD student. I also experienced many personal hardships that left their marks. Therapy and exercise was absolutely critical for me.
Sidenote: at times, I did not know why I was continuing with my PhD program. The job market is bleak. And even though I have a full-time job, I thought I would someday pursue a tenure-track position somewhere. With those jobs becoming more and more rare and the challenges I faced in my program, I wondered what the point was in finishing my program. For me, I had to come to a place where finishing my dissertation for the sake of pursuing my own questions and curiosity had to be enough. If nothing else came after I completed my degree, so be it. Not everyone can afford this telos. But I do think there is something beneficial about studying and asking critical questions at this particular moment in history even if you don't go on to become a tenured professor.
I also had the chance to learn from my advisor Phil who is kind, brilliant, and humble—a pretty rare combination for a PhD advisor. The supervisory meetings I had over the course of seven years shaped my thinking tremendously and it made me a better thinker, researcher, writer, and student.
If I had to do it again, I would do it again. I truly mean it. Despite everything that I endured, I am so proud and thankful that I completed my dissertation. I met many wonderful colleagues and made some lifelong friends. And I proved to myself that I can overcome much more than I ever thought possible.
